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Boundaries ...just what are they and how much do they matter in our lives?

Most people desire to have healthy relationships for the simple reason that we have an innate need for them and they meet many of our greatest needs. Yet, without the ability to set healthy boundaries in relationships, fractures will just keep reoccurring.

Boundaries are critical for a person to maintain a healthy relationship. More has been said by the experts on this subject in the last 10 years than in the last 100 years, yet many people still struggle with setting and enforcing their boundaries.

When healthy boundaries are in place, relationships can thrive and be an amazingly positive experience for us. Check out the following examples of healthy boundaries that people can practice:

Examples of Healthy Boundaries::

1. Tell someone (appropriately) something you need them to do that is important for your relationship."Hi John, I just want to say that I had a great time going out with you last week. Thanks so much. I also wanted to say that being on time for this weekly event is important to me. I would really like it if you would pick me up no later than 6:45 PM. We were late the last few times and I feel awkward walking in and missing the first part of the meeting. Thanks for hearing me on this, John.

Key factors for successfully setting this boundary: Keep voice, body language and demeanor free of anger, speak softly, and make it about how their action hurt you. Do not use wording that assigns blame or directly criticizes them when discussing their actions, such as "You're always late." Instead, make it about how you have been hurt. Close by thanking them for listening to you.

2. Tell someone that their actions or words toward you have hurt you and explain how you want to be treated."Hi Sally, can I check in with you, (Sally gives her permission by indicating 'yes'). I just want to say that last night, when you said that I was unorganized in front of the group, that it hurt me deeply. I have been working on getting more organized and feel that I have significantly improved in the last year. So when you said that, I kind of felt that I went backward in my progress. I would really like you to not speak negatively about me in front of people. But I do invite you to speak to me privately on these types of personal issues. Thanks for hearing me on this. The purpose for me sharing this with you is that I care about our relationship and don’t want any wedges to form between us."

Key factors for successfully setting this boundary: Keep voice, body language and demeanor free of anger, speak softly, and make it about how their action hurt you. Do not use judgmental statements such as “You’re always putting me down in front of people,” as that will make the other person feel defensive, which will reduce their willingness to listen to you.. Also, close by thanking the person for listening to you.